TRANSCRIPT: Mitch the Dragon Boy

Part 1

Narrator #1: They are two exceptional people investigating unexplained phenomena: UFOs, witchcraft, can you take anything for kleptomania? They are Special Agents Fax Smoulder and Donut Sulky. They are the X-Fools.

Narrator #2: The Gas'n'Guzzle Gas Station Station, Arkansaw, 10 pm.

Attendant: Can I help you folks?
Sulky: Good evening sir.
Attendant: Well hel-lo sweetie-pie.
Smoulder: Hello sir. Federal agents. If I could ask you a couple of questions.
Attendant: Oh yeah, of course.
Smoulder: How much for this packet of chewing gum?
Attendant: Fifty cents.
Smoulder: Is there a decent motel around here?
Attendant: The Cockroach Inn.
Smoulder: Why do gas stations lock their restrooms?
Attendant: We're afraid someone might come in and clean 'em.
Sulky: Oh I see, you've been very helpful.
Smoulder: Thank you very much sir, okay.
Attendant: No problem. Y'all come back now, ya hear? Especially you, gorgeous.
Smoulder: I will, sir.

Sulky: Well, Smoulder, where d'you wanna go first, the motel or the county morgue to look at the body?
Smoulder: The morgue. The motel will be too depressing.
Sulky: The report says the victim was deliberately set on fire - why would anyone do that?
Smoulder: Because they were cold? Hey Sulky, our car! The tyres have melted!
Sulky: I told you to go easy on the brakes.
Smoulder: Maybe those teenagers in the singed clothes saw something. Hey, did you see who melted our tyres?
Stevie: No, mister, when we got here they already like that.
Mitch: Yeah, there's only one kind of burning rubber we know anything about. Ha ha ha he he he.
Smoulder: Ha. Ha.
Sulky: Smoulder? I don't get that. I think we'd better get to the Sheriff's office immediately.
Smoulder: You think we'd better report our burnt car?
Sulky: No, I'm hoping he can explain that last joke to me.
Smoulder: Okay, I'll hail a cab. Taxi! hey...
Sulky: No, Smoulder, that was an ambulance. Oh but they've stopped to give you a lift.

Stevie: They gone, dude. You think they suspect anything?
Mitch: Who cares? I got me some special powers!
Stevie: Yeah man, special powers.
Mitch: I can breathe fire! *whoosh*
Stevie: Mitch? You melted our bicycles, dude.
Mitch: Shut up. You know how stupid you look without any eyebrows? He he he he he...

Narrator #1: Have Smoulder and Sulky met their match?
Sulky: I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
Narrator #1: Do eyebrows grow back?
Stevie: Don't they grow front?
Narrator #1: Will Smoulder stop hailing ambulances? *crash, smash*
Smoulder: Apparently not.
Narrator #1: Be here for the next sizzling episode of...the X-Fools!

Part 2

Narrator #1: They are two exceptional people investigating strange unexplained phenomena: UFOs, abductions, if a stealth bomber crashes how do you find the wreckage? They are Special Agents Fax Smoulder and Donut Sulky. They are the X-Fools.

Narrator #2: Last episode, Smoulder and Sulky were investigating an unidentified arsonist, unaware that the culprit was a fire-breathing teenager. Cockroach Inn Motel, Airydale, Arkansaw, midnight.

Smoulder: Smoulder! oh, that's the remote control. Smoul- no, that's my calculator. *brrring* Smoulder!
Sulky: Smoulder, it's me. I-I-I can't hear very well.
Smoulder: I'm talking into my clock radio. What have you got?
Sulky: I'm still at the morgue. There's been an anonymous call. The sheriff just rang me.
Smoulder: I thought you said it was anonymous.
Sulky: There's a fire at the Burnt Bird Chicken Shop.
Smoulder: Of course there's a fire, you think people would eat that stuff raw?
Sulky: It's on the corner of Colonel and Sanders, I'll meet you there.
Smoulder: But someone melted the tyres on our car, remember? How will I get there?
Sulky: I'll call you a cab.
Smoulder: I've been called worse. Leave it to me. Bye. Could I have a taxi to - no, that's my electric razor.
Stevie: Jeez, Mitch, you're supposed to do the chickens not the whole building. That's where I worked!
Mitch: Well Stevie, why don't you get a job with the fire department? I'll get you plenty of work. See that lamppost? *whoosh*
Stevie: Oh no!
Mitch: What's wrong, Stevie? You frightened of ma gift for breathin' fire?
Stevie: No, dude, you singed my favourite apron, the one with the woman's breasts on it.
Mitch: Well, look who's turned up at the chicken shop. It's them two FBO agents again. You didn't say nothin' to no-one, did you Stevie?
Stevie: No Mitch, I didn't say nothin' to no-one.
Mitch: Eh - wait a minute, if you said nothing to no-one that actually means you said something to someone.
Stevie: No dude, stop it, you're confusin' me.
Mitch: No, I'm combustin' you! How about I light that cigarette for ya?
Stevie: No Mitch, aaaargggh, no, no, euarrrrgh, aaarrgh!
Sulky: Smoulder, that fire truck gave you a ride, that was very thoughtful of them.
Smoulder: No, they knocked me down while I was hailing a cab. Sulky, the fire's out of control, I've got to go in there!
Sulky: Smoulder, you can't go into that blazing chicken shop, i-i-it's too late to save anyone.
Smoulder: Who said anything about saving anyone? I'm starving!
Sulky: Smoulder, no, come out of there! Smould-er-er-er!
Narrator #1: Will Mitch ever become[?]?
Mitch: Let's barbecue, dudes!
Narrator #1: Has Sulky lost her partner for ever?
Sulky: Oh no, I don't have a boyfriend...oh, him.
Narrator #1: Does Smoulder want fries with that?
Smoulder: Yes. And I'll have a shake as well.

Narrator #2: Tune in for the next hot and spicy episode of...the X-Fools!

Part 3

Narrator #1: They are two exceptional people investigating strange unexplained phenomena: UFOs, government conspiracies, does a nostalgic English teacher find the past perfect and the present tense? They are Special Agents Fax Smoulder and Donut Sulky. They are the X-Fools.

Narrator #2: Last episode of the X-Fools, Smoulder and Sulky were in pursuit of an arsonist, not yet knowing that it was Mitch the fire-breathing boy. We find Sulky standing in front of a burning chicken shop while Smoulder's trapped inside.

Sheriff: Agent Sulky? You alright?
Sulky: Sheriff, Smoulder's still inside the chicken shop.
Sheriff: Can't say I blame him. They do a delicious drumsticks.
Sulky: Sheriff, he's trapped in the fire!
Sheriff: Now don't you fret, here comes the fire engine.
Sulky: Oh my god, what's that?
Sheriff: It's a big red truck with a light on.
Sulky: No, that. Coming out of the shop.
Sheriff: Oh, that. Well, that's a giant chicken. A-a-a giant chicken?! Watch out, Sulky, it's coming straight for *crunch* you!
Sulky: Oh oh oh help me, ah...
Smoulder: Sulky, it's me, inside the chicken suit.
Sulky: Smoulder? Sheriff, help me get him out of here.
Sheriff: Okay.
Sulky: Okay, just pull this head down, and just...
Sheriff: Come on out of there. Take the head off...you've got nice legs...
Sulky: There!
Sheriff: Uh, Agent Sulky? You just took off my pants.
Sulky: Ooops, I'm sorry.
Smoulder: Sulky, that was a close one.
Sulky: I know, Smoulder, you nearly died in the fire, saved only by this inflammable chicken suit.
Smoulder: I was talking about the sheriff's pants.
Narrator #2: The next morning, a house across town.
Mitch: Mornin' Momma.
Momma: Mornin' Mitchie. *roar* How many times have I told ya Mitchie, stop burnin' ma toast! We gotta see someone about your problem.
Mitch: I don't have a problem, do I, Fang? *roar, knock, whimper*
Momma: You get the door, I'll hose down the dog.
Smoulder: Hello Mitch. Federal agents. We'd like to talk about your friend who worked at the chicken shop. His body was found this morning lightly barbecued. Mitch! *crash* Wait!
Sulky: Stop! Smoulder, lie down in the grass! Roll over!
Smoulder: Sulky, I'm tempted when you're so forceful, but shouldn't we go after Mitch?
Sulky: You're on fire, Smoulder.
Smoulder: You can say that again...oh, I see what you mean. Oh! no! this is a new overcoat.

Narrator #1: Can Sulky put Smoulder's fire out?
Mitch: Take this, G-man!
Narrator #1: Can Smoulder put Mitch's dog's fire out?
Smoulder: Oh! No! Baby!
Narrator #1: Can our heroes catch Mitch the dragon boy? *roar* Ouch! Find out in the next thrilling instalment of...the X-Fools!

Part 4

Narrator #1: They are two exceptional people investigating strange unexplained phenomena: UFOs, psychics, would a support group for talkaholics be called on-and-on-and-onymous? They are Special Agents Fax Smoulder and Donut Sulky. They are the X-Fools.

Narrator #2: Last episode of the X-Fools, Smoulder and Sulky were pursuing Mitch the fire-breathing boy. We find them outside Mitch's house rolling around in the grass, desperately trying to put out the flames on Smoulder's overcoat.

Sulky: Oh...uh...oh...okay, Smoulder, I think you're okay. That's it, Smoulder, the fire's out. Smoulder! *slap*
Smoulder: Sorry, Sulky.
Sulky: Smoulder, I think Mitch set you on fire.
Smoulder: Don't sell yourself short, Sulky, that was quite a rumble.
Sulky: Smoulder, I think Mitch is the arsonist. We have to find him.
Mitch: You lookin' for me, agents?
Sulky: Mitch! We need to talk to you. Oh-uh, is anyone else hot?
Mitch: No, but I'm not wearin' an overcoat in the middle of summer.
Sulky: Oh, that's what it is. Mitch, we have to take you in for questioning about the murders. *roar*
Smoulder: Sulky, Mitch just breathed fire.
Sulky: Well maybe the questions can wait.
Mitch: This whole town thinks I'm a loser.
Smoulder: So what's your point, Mitch? Ow! Sorry. Go on.
Mitch: Well, ever since I accidentally swallowed that packet of firestarters I've become something else.
Sulky: Popular at barbecues?
Mitch: I'm gonna burn this whole damn town now. I'm gonna show 'em!
Smoulder: Mitch! Wait!
Sulky: Oh my god, Smoulder, he's set my trousers alight! I haven't worn hot-pants since the seventies.
Smoulder: Ow. Mine are on fire too. Hold on, Sulky! *gurgle*
Sulky: Oh, thankyou Smoulder. Lucky you found that hose.
Smoulder: Er... that wasn't a hose.
Sulky: Smoulder! Where's Mitch?
Smoulder: He's disappeared.
Sulky: Sheriff!
Sheriff: Agent Sulky. Uh-hm. Agent Smoulder.
Sulky: Smoulder, put your hosepipe back in the firetruck.
Smoulder: Oh...pardon me, sheriff. We need to find Mitch. He's gone to burn the town down. The boy can breathe fire.
Sheriff: Hey now, that's clever. I saw that in the circus once.
Sulky: Smoulder! Look over there! That field, it's completely ablaze. It's going to spread into the town.
Smoulder: It's coming this way. Run, Sulky!

Narrator #1: Will Mitch the dragon boy destroy the whole town?
Mitch: I already said that.
Narrator #1: Will Smoulder and Sulky be tender-roasted?
Smoulder: Possibly, yes, I think we could be, I don't know...
Sulky: I'm a vegetarian.
Narrator #1:Would they be cooler without their overcoats?
Smoulder: Yes we would be...
Sulky: Well possibly but it's FBI-
Narrator #1: All will be revealed next on the X-Fools!

Part 5

Narrator #1: They are two exceptional people investigating strange unexplained phenomena: UFOs, zombies, why would you need to iron clothes that have been permanently pressed? They are Special Agents Fax Smoulder and Donut Sulky. They are the X-Fools.

Narrator #2: Last episode of the X-Fools, Smoulder and Sulky were trying to stop Mitch the fire-breathing boy from burning down his whole town. We find them running away from a burning field.

Sulky: Come on, Smoulder, come on, Sheriff, into this ditch...ah...oh...
Smoulder: Oh god, Sulky, my legs.
Sulky: I know, Smoulder, they're terrific. You should show them off more.
Smoulder: No, you're sitting on them. Get off me!
Sulky: Oh, sorry Smoulder.
Sheriff: There's my backup, agents.
Sulky: Wow, they got here so quickly, the fire's been contained in that field.
Sheriff: Well, that burning plantation's been under surveillance for some time. Agents, that field is full of marijuana.
Sulky: Oh my god, so this is a drugs bust.
Sheriff: No. It's a party. The whole town's here. Join in, agents!
Smoulder: All right! I love a party. I haven't been to one since the sixties, that time...
Sulky: Smoulder! Put your clothes back on. We have to head into town and stop Mitch from torching everything.
Sheriff: Well I'd like to help you out, agents, but, er right now...I've gotta go find me some chocolate. Here. Why don't you have some of this?
Narrator #2: Thankyou Minutes later, in town.
Sulky: Smoulder, there's Mitch. He's setting that warehouse alight. Quickly, we have to stop him.
Smoulder: Sulky, don't be so aggressive. Why can't we all just love one another?
Mitch: Burn baby burn!
Sulky: Federal agents! Put your hands above your head and keep your mouth closed. Not you, Smoulder!
Mitch: I've had enough of you feds. I'm gonna turn you into a couple of toasted marshmallows.
Sulky: Mitch! No! No, wait!
Smoulder: Don't worry Sulky, I'll think of something, as soon as I exhale.
Mitch: Here I gooooaaaaaarrrrghhhghhh!
Smoulder: *coughing* Ohhh...
Sulky: Smoulder, was that intentional? You exhaled at exactly the precise moment that Mitch blew out his flames, hence blowing them back onto him and barbecuing him to death.
Smoulder: Uh...eh...what was the question?
Sulky: Smoulder, we'd better call the fire department.
Smoulder: Can't we wait a while? That's a fireworks warehouse. Wow! Look at the pretty colours! Blue! Red! My favourite, green!

Narrator #1: Are there more fire-breathing teenagers at large?
Mitch: Er...I got a cousin in the next town.
Narrator #1: Has anyone got any Pink Floyd? Hey Sheriff, don't hog the chocolate! Turn on and tune in to next week's groooovy adventure of...the X-Fools!